Random Thought Moment

I wonder if the ex-fiance is going to become poly.  It would be the intelligent choice for him.  He likes having multiple women at his beck and call.  He likes that new relationship smell.  Maybe not though...he could just be a player...playing on the affections of several women and serious about none...too much in love with himself to give himself to just one.  Hmmmm....it's a thought.

Since he is never going to speak to me again, I guess I will never know.

How I feel...

How do I feel? 

I feel sad, hurt, lost, rejected, dejected, like a burden on my friends, like the world wouldn’t notice if I were gone.  I feel scared.  I feel broken.  At this moment, I am on the crest of a tsunami that is going to destroy everything in its path when it crashes onto shore. 

All I want to do is cry and bury my head in the covers. 

This morning I had a psycho moment.  Actually, I have had a few psycho moments the past two days.  I was doing so well and then BOOM!  I hit bottom…again.

Will this pain ever stop? 

I want my life back.  I want my brain back.  I want the sadness to go away.

I want to move on and be healthy. 

Can anyone out there hear me?

Sleep…eludes me.  So tired.  

Rant

Are you happy now?

You couldn’t wait to start your new life so you shoved me out the door.  Before I could get down the street were you already calling her?  Was she worth it?  Does she make you happy?  Does she make you laugh?  Does she comfort you when you’re in pain?  Does she love you like I did?  Did the two of you laugh at the pathetic sight I made?  Did you laugh at the old, fat lady as she cried uncontrollably for the loss of her love?  Are you happy now?  Are all your dreams fulfilled?  Were you glad to see the last of my things leave your house?  Are you happy now?  Is the single life everything you had hoped?  Is the better woman better?  Does it please you that I cried so many tears?  Are you happy that I wanted to commit myself out of fear of hurting myself?  Are you pleased that I left you alone?  Is it easier for you now?  Is freedom from me all that you hoped? 

Are you happy now?

Adaptation

This weekend I spent some time reading my Rebuilding book.  The book has steps that you must go through before beginning a new relationship.  It is mainly to help a person rebuild their self image.  I have a poor self image at the moment and can use any help I can get. 

In the adaptive stage of the book, you are made to address the adaptive behaviors you use to cope in a relationship.  It seems that I am an over-responsible person who feels comfortable with under-responsible people.  In relationships, all of us seek out the person who we believe will balance us.  My balance is an under-responsible person. 

How did the adaptive behavior begin?  For me, the adaptive behavior was developed in childhood.  I so wanted my mother to love me.  The only time I felt she loved me was when I brought home high marks in school.  I worked hard in school to be the best. 

In school, I was overweight from the 8^th grade until the 11^th.  The kids used to call me 2-Ton Buns.  I hated that name and tried very hard to ignore them.  However, when they picked on smaller kids less able to defend themselves, I was right there defending the weak.  This is how I made friends in school.  I became responsible for the weaker making me an over-responsible personality. 

I also realize that when I am overweight I have very low self-esteem.  Whenever the ex would tell me something didn’t look good on me, it would go to the core of my insecurities.  Did he know this?  I don’t know, but I do know it made me very insecure.  Unfortunately, my insecurities became my downfall. 

The book made me realize that I work my butt off to make people love me.  Unfortunately, it doesn’t work.  So now I am going to work my butt off to love myself.   I am losing weight and working out not for him, but for me.  I want to look in the mirror and be proud of all I’ve accomplished and love the reflection looking back at me.

I don’t know if I will ever believe a man again though when he says he loves me.  I believed the ex, but he lied to me from the beginning and continued lying until the very end.  How do you learn to trust and believe again?  I suppose I will cross that bridge when I get to it (in a couple of years).  It really does hurt to be dumped.  The rejection and pain are incredible. 

Letting go...

To My Ex

First, let me start by saying you were right.  You were right when you said a relationship shouldn’t be so much work.  I realize now that I was being manipulative and controlling while trying to mold you into the man I wanted and needed.  It wasn’t who you were or wanted to be.  For that, I am very sorry. 

Whenever you lied to me, I should have moved on.  I didn’t because I saw vulnerability in you that I wanted to protect and fix.  You didn’t want to be fixed.  You wanted to fix me.  Neither one of us was willing to give up our ideals or needs for the other.  For me, I didn’t want to let go of my morals or ideals.  I feel you didn’t want to give up your need for female adoration.  It was your way of feeling like a man when in my eyes you were a man.  You just didn’t see it. 

During my session yesterday, I realized that my trust issues weren’t with you.  They were with me.  Every time I felt you were lying to me, I made excuses and ignored that little voice that was saying run.  You never really earned my trust because our relationship was built on lies.  A relationship built on a lie no matter how honorable is doomed.  If you can’t trust someone to be honest from the beginning, how do you trust them until the end?  I know you tried very hard to earn my trust after the affair, but you just couldn’t fight who you were.  You need the adulation and adoration or possibly the pity of other women.  I understand your belief that if you aren’t sleeping with them, you aren’t cheating.  To me, you are cheating.  Each time you talk to them, you give them a piece of your heart that should have been meant for me.  You invest in them emotionally and take that emotion from me.  I can’t compete with 20 women.  I shouldn’t have to compete.  I won’t compete.  I realize that instead of trying to manipulate you, I should have said either they go or I go.  The choice was mine to stay or go.  I should have gone.  We never should have tried.  It was my mistake for thinking I could fix a broken man who liked being broken.

I know I sound harsh and I don’t mean to be.  I am just being honest with myself. 

For the next year, I am going to stay single.  I am afraid that any relationship I begin now would be a rebound relationship and would wind up hurting both of us.  I can’t knowingly hurt someone, so I just won’t look.  It’s ME time.  I want to live single and learn to love me single. I want to be healthy (mentally and physically) and happy. 

Since the break up, I’ve learned so much about myself.  1.  I am a loving, kind person.  2. I am a lovable person.  3.  I am capable of trust.  4. I am capable of being a friend.  5.  I have many friends who love me. 6. I have a lot to offer the right person.  7.  I am strong.  8.  I am smart.  9.  I don’t need a man to feel good about myself.  10.  I am happy with myself.

I hope you continue to work on yourself and fix what is broken, if that is what you want.  I loved you with all my heart and will never stop loving you.  We had some wonderful, happy times together and I will treasure those memories.  Take care.

Love Always,

Me

Why?

Why do I feel so empty and hopeless?  I've decided to go skydiving on September 17.  My first thought was "maybe I'll get lucky and the parachute won't open" except there will be someone with me.  I just can't figure out what will make me happy and make me forget him.  He's moved on...why can't I?  He doesn't love me anymore.  Why can't I stop loving him, needing him, wanting him?  Why?  It's just not fair!

I feel...

My first Rebuilding homework assignment is to keep a journal and write “I feel ___”.   Here I go:

I feel…

Angry, hurt, betrayed, lost, unloved, unwanted, undesirable, rejected, empty, worthless, fat, ugly, stupid, gullible, tired, hopeless, drained, dejected, overwhelmed

I feel pain.

I feel like…

A loser, a failure, an empty shell, like I could disappear and it wouldn’t matter.

I feel dead.

I have to let go and move on...

Once again…the rollercoaster ride from hell.  I have really got to move on and get this behind me.  If I don’t, I’m afraid I will go insane.  Christians say that the Lord never gives us more than we can handle, but I think the Lord is giving me too much credit.  I am handling this breakup rather poorly.  I can’t wait for an excuse to email or text because I so want to hear him say “I made a terrible mistake.”  Unfortunately, he would never admit it. 

I honestly don’t think I would be here if it weren’t for the support of my friends.  One thing this situation has shown me is that I have more friends than I ever knew.  My ex on the other hand, has his mother: A psycho, oedipal, worn-out, list making crone who wants only for her crippled son to depend on her for his every need; that I also suspect of bribing her son to dump me.  (I present a new computer and appliances as evidence of this statement) She is too mean and set in her ways to ever get a man of her own so she uses her son as a substitute.  ICK! Fortunately, I am surrounded by people whose only concern is my happiness and not their own.  (Well, my best friend does like having another female in the house to balance out all the testosterone)

Anyway, it is IMPERATIVE that I move on.  At one point, I had hoped he and I could be friends (another effort at showing him that I could be what he needed).  However, friendship with him is not an option.  How can you go from being the love of someone’s life to being a casual friend?  Honestly, every time I knew he was blowing me off for another woman would be devastating.  I couldn’t handle it.  If he wants to move on, he will have to do it without me.  I am moving in a direction away from him and towards a happier future with someone else…ME!  Now…if I could only practice what I preach.

Why

Why do I feel that I need a man to validate me?  Is it because southern women are raised to believe their place is in the home, barefoot and pregnant?  Is it because the church tells us that we are not viable human beings unless we marry a man and have children?  I am having the hardest time trying to find value in myself as a single person.  At a time when I should be selfish and work on myself, I just can't figure out how to do it. 

In the whole of my life, I've only been alone for a year.  It was the most excruciating miserable year of my life.  Here I am, back in the single life.  Why can't I stand to be alone with myself?  How do I find that place where I find my own company satisfying?  How do I learn to stop and listen to that inner voice?  Am I just wired wrong?  Is there something horribly wrong with me?

One experiment that I would like to try is to go to the movies alone.  Last night, there was a lone woman in the theater.  My first reaction was "poor thing" she's all alone.  Then, I realized what a brave person she was for doing what she wanted. 

Most Days

Most days, I don't have a problem with finding something to be happy about.  I wake up to the cutest puppy in the world. (No I'm not biased).  I have one of the most wonderful friends in the world who works hard to help me work through the pain I feel.  Unfortunately, there are days that I just can't find anything good about. 

The therapist says that I will have days like that, but I am tired of them.  I miss walking into work and telling everyone "Good Morning!" in a singsong voice.  Now, I slunk to my office hoping no one will notice the tear tracks going down my face from the cry I've had on the way to work.

I realize that the relationship I had was a bad one built on mistrust and deceit.  In my mind, I know that there is probably something better out there.  But I can't help wanting to go back HOME.  He was my home, my family, my confidante, and my heart.  Without him, I feel all alone and empty. 

How do you find happiness when there is only emptiness inside and a sense of uselessness?  How do you feel self-worth again when you've been tossed aside like an old toy?  I am so lost right now. 

Everyone says to give it time that I will feel better in a few weeks.  I don't feel I have the time.  I just feel this urgency that if I don't get better soon, I will never get better.  I will be a little old lady pining away for the loss of her one true love. 

How do I stop my heart from yearning for what it cannot have?   It would be easier to ask me to stop breathing because I haven't taken a breath since the moment I walked away from him.....

Will this pain ever stop?

I miss you…

There I said it.  I miss him.  I miss the man I thought I knew.  I miss the man I thought loved me.  I miss the man who wanted to marry me.  I miss the man who would send me text messages that said “ILU”. 

Where did he go?

I love you…

Why can’t I stop loving him?  He stopped loving me…quite easily it seems. 

He worked hard to build up my confidence only to be the one to tear it down.  Why?

Every time I would start feeling comfortable in the relationship, he would do something to knock me back to the unconfident, blathering idiot.  Did he not like me being comfortable?  Did he not like me confident?

Was I too good to him?  I never did anything to hurt him.  Why does he feel the need to hurt me?  I forgave him every time he hurt me.  Should I have cheated on him?  I’m a good person.  Is that why he doesn’t love me? 

All I ever wanted to do was to love him and make him happy.  Was that a mistake?

What did I do that was so wrong? 

What’s wrong with me?

Will I ever stop crying?

Will I ever be happy again? 

Will I ever find true love?

Does true love exist?

Is there only pain?

I WANT MY LIFE BACK!

Welcome to the Rollercoaster ride from HELL!

Since my breakup, I've ridden an emotional roller coaster.  One minute I am handling things well. The next I am a huge blob of tears.  Then, I am a raging lunatic.  Will someone please stop the ride and let me get off? 

I've ask the counselor several times how long I can expect these feelings to last.  Her answer, "the roller coaster ride will last as long as it lasts."  Well duh!  Didn't take a rocket scientist to figure that one out. 

Last night, I went to my first workout in months.  The trainer asks me what my motivation was for working out.  I immediately told her that I originally bought the membership to lose weight for my wedding and promptly burst out into tears.  Yep!  Right there in the middle of the 24 Hour Fitness!  I couldn't stop myself.  It was so humiliating.


I finally sucked up the tears and sadness, looked her in the eye and said, "I'm doing this for me now."  I told her that I wanted to reduce my cholesterol, blood pressure, and get toned and trim all for me.  She grinned and said, "Atta girl!" 

I learned a lot about myself last night...I am strong-willed and will get through this.  Unfortunately, there are going to be lots of tears, but I will make it.  What doesn't break us only makes us stronger.  When I come out on the other side of this, I'm going to be the better person. 

Should a relationship be easy?

Should a relationship be easy or should it be work?  I have been reading a lot about relationships lately.  It seems the division is 50/50.  Perhaps the answer lies somewhere in the middle.  When a relationship is coasting along, no work is necessary to keep it going.  However, when a relationship hits a problem, the relationship needs nurturing aka work. 

The real question is when a relationship hits a snag, are both people willing to put in the effort to repair the problem?  If not, then no amount of work is going to fix it.  It takes two to make a relationship or break a relationship. 

One question to consider is, is this person worth the effort?  If you love this person and see yourself spending the rest of your life with them, they are worth the effort. 

I am of the opinion that any relationship worth its salt needs work.  Rarely is life perfect.  What makes someone think relationships are perfect?  Each person brings a unique view and dynamic to the relationship.  Our differences and uniqueness is what attracts others.  If everyone were just alike, life would be very boring. 

My role models on the subject are my parents and grandparents.  Mom and Dad were married 43 years before Dad passed away suddenly.  Both sets of grandparents celebrated their 60th wedding anniversaries.  Life was never a bed of roses 24/7/365.  When my parents argued, they argued.  The arguments usually ended in some kind of compromise so they felt they had an equal share in the decision.  It was never a win/lose situation.  It was always a win/win.  I do know that while us kids were still living in the house, my parents did a LOT of compromising.  Once we moved out, they had a peaceful, loving, caring relationship.  They had enough love for each other to know that when the kids were grown, they would have plenty of time for each other. 

What makes me happy...

Sitting in my office this morning, I suddenly had inspiration.  I started making a list of the things that make me happy. 

1. Cuddling with my puppy while he takes a nap.
2. Curling up with a blanket and a good book on a snowy day while a fire roars in the fireplace.
3. Staying in and baking on snowy days.
4. Stepping on the scales to find that I’ve lost weight and I wasn’t even trying.
5. The sounds of the house on Christmas morning as my daughter open her presents.
6. Spending time with good friends and family.
7. Opening the windows on a rainy day to listen to the sound of the rain hitting the porch.
8. Telling a joke and having people laugh uproariously.
9. Writing in my blog.
10. Doing my job and doing it well.
11. Doing something nice for someone just because.
12. Getting text messages.
13. Finding extra money in a coat pocket.
14. Shoe shopping.
15. Pampering myself with manicures, pedicures, or hair coloring.

Since getting my puppy, I look forward to the mornings when I can pull him out of his kennel and cuddle.  The mornings are when he is most loving.  This morning he crawled into the crook of my arm, laid down, and went to sleep.  There is nothing like unconditional love and trust to make me happy. 

Snow days are always days I want to stay home and stay warm.  Curling up with a blanket and reading was something I did at my Grandmothers as a kid especially when I had to stay home sick.  The baking in the winter was something she did too.  As a kid, food was a HUGE comfort.  Warm banana bread and a glass of milk were the best.  Those were happy times. 

“Stepping on the scales to find that I’ve lost weight and I wasn’t even trying.”  Having always had a weight problem (except for briefly in my 20’s), I find no greater happiness than to see the scale move to a lesser value.  In the past week, I’ve dropped 10 pounds without even trying.  Of course, it could have had something to do with the fact that I couldn’t swallow past the lump in my throat, but I’ll take my small victory. 

Some would find it odd that text messages make me happy.  For me, getting a text message is such a surprise that it’s almost like receiving a gift.  The office where I work doesn’t allow personal phone calls which mean that staying in touch with family and friends is difficult and limited.  When I receive a text, I feel loved, thought about, and included.  It’s the best feeling.  Unfortunately, since my breakup, I rarely get them anymore which make the ones I do get even more special. 

In the next few months, I am hoping to find more things that make me happy.  The recreation center in town offers a watercolor class.  I’ve always wanted to learn how to paint in watercolor.  I’m looking into going back to college to get my masters degree though I still have some reservations about it.  School is where I have always excelled and I know it would make me happy.  However, I am unsure about committing the time right now.  I don’t want to feel like I am hiding away from the world when I should be enjoying it and healing. 

Only time will tell…

Brokenhearted fool

A week and a half ago, my fiance of four years decides that he is not longer in love with me and I have to go.  It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.  I still loved him though I was crushed.  How do you just walk away from four years of your life? 

I tried talking, but to no avail.  He wouldn't hear it.  His mind was made up. 

I even tried begging, but it only angered him. 

So here I am at my best friends house living the life of a gypsy out of boxes and suitcases. 

What am I going to do with my life now?  I thought I had it all figured out.  I was getting married on October 1, 2011 and magically the rest of our life was going to be perfect.  That isn't going to happen.

Currently, I am going to counseling about every 3 weeks though I have to admit that I talk to my counselor via email more frequently.  It seems I want to rush through the healing process.  Unfortunately, my heart isn't cooperating. 

The first thing my counselor told me was no contact with the ex.  I have to admit, this has been the toughest part for me.  The one thing the ex and I could do was converse.  Most evenings I would call on my way home from work.  We would talk the fifteen minutes or so it took me to get home.  After arriving home, we would talk the rest of the night depending on whether or not he had his daughter.  Admittedly, I missed talking when his daughter was there.  This fact was the source of many arguments that led to the demise of our relationship.  I just wanted him to come to bed at a decent time so that we could have our couple time too.  It just never seemed to sink in.

So, after many unsuccessful attempts to converse with the ex in the past week, I've come to the conclusion the medical professionals know what they are talking about.  I have been so angry when talking to the ex that I could easily remove his manhood with my bare hands.  No, I haven't done it...yet.

The next thing the counselor told me was to do one thing a day that makes me happy.  She looked directly at me and asked, "What makes you happy?"  I had no answer.  There are many things I enjoy doing like crocheting, reading, walking, talking, etc., but none of them make me "happy".  What is happy? 

With a completely blank expression on my face, I said that I loved crocheting.  She kept asking if there was anything else.  After graduating from college, I thought I had taken all of the toughest tests there were.  None of those tests had prepared me for the toughest question of my life.  What makes me happy?

My assignment for the next appointment is to find what makes me happy.  I've asked friends and co-workers but all the answers are on the same level...A nice cold beer, a good wine, a good book, etc.  Still, those are activities I enjoy doing, but they don't bring me overwhelming happiness. 

I remember as a kid the times when my parents would take us on a picnic next to Horse Creek.  We would take turns swinging out into the creek on an old rope before splashing in  the middle.  Now, that made me happy.  Taking long walks with my Dad while he told us what life was like when he was a kid made for some happy memories. 

Now, what will make ME happy?