It's been a while since I blogged. Life has been so busy and crazy at times. I have almost completed studies for my Masters. In July, my first grandchild was born. Last summer, I no longer called my best friend friend. One constant in life is change.
In 6 weeks, I will have my Masters degree in Accounting. It has been a long hard journey, but I honestly believe it will be worth it. I can already see a brighter future ahead.
The past few months have found me struggling with the decision to stay in Colorado or move back to Alabama. In my heart, I truly want to stay in Colorado. The culture and lifestyles here suit me. When I think about moving to Alabama, I just cringe because I feel I will be taking a step back instead of moving forward.
One question on everyone's lips lately is "Have you started dating?" The answer is a firm "No". I have such high standards now that I don't think anyone will ever measure up. Also, I have not learned to trust...anyone. As I have said all along, it's going to take an exceptional man to win my heart.
It's taken a long time, but I am happy and content with my life as a single woman. My confidence grows each day. No longer do I need confirmation from a man that I am attractive and desirable. I honestly don't care. Many people would say those are the words of a woman who doesn't care about her looks. Not true. I care about how I look. I just no longer dress or style myself to suit someone else. I dress to make me happy. Of course, I would love to lose more weight. It will happen. I will make it so...for my own reasons.
Underlying everything I've said, is a great deal of anger still. Most of my anger comes from the ex-boyfriend's betrayal, lies, and infidelity. I never loved anyone like I loved him and I worked so hard at making him happy. It angers me that he was such a slimy character. Fortunately, anger can be used as a catalyst for change. I am one strong, independent woman who knows that she can make it without the need of a partner. That is the best revenge...living happy, living well, and loving the life you have built.
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Saturday, March 2, 2013
Monday, September 3, 2012
Bad days and good days...
After a year, I thought I had gotten past the anger, hurt, and sadness. Unfortunately, when you aren't looking, the old feelings rear their ugly heads and depression is off like a freight train plowing through all the good. Fortunately, sanity pulls you back, or in my case, sheer stubborn force of will. He's taken 4 1/2 years of my life. I am not giving him anymore.
One thing the books and doctors have taught me is there will be setbacks. When it happens, you have to square your shoulders and push through the rough spots.
So many times in the past weeks, I wanted...no needed to talk to him, but I didn't. I held strong. I knew in my heart and head I was only going to get more lies. Nothing good would have happened.
It's times like this I congratulate myself on a victory. No one needs a toxic relationship and that man is highly toxic. It's good to be me once again...positive, energetic, and outgoing! Funny, I used to think stubborn was bad...my mom was so wrong.
One thing the books and doctors have taught me is there will be setbacks. When it happens, you have to square your shoulders and push through the rough spots.
So many times in the past weeks, I wanted...no needed to talk to him, but I didn't. I held strong. I knew in my heart and head I was only going to get more lies. Nothing good would have happened.
It's times like this I congratulate myself on a victory. No one needs a toxic relationship and that man is highly toxic. It's good to be me once again...positive, energetic, and outgoing! Funny, I used to think stubborn was bad...my mom was so wrong.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
A House of Cards
Most of the time, I am able to project a positive, happy outlook. Sometimes, it's a struggle just to hold myself together. This weekend, I spent the time hiding from the world. I just couldn't face life outside my cave. What brought this on? I saw pictures of the ex and his new squeeze. He actually hugged her to him. I was the one always hugging him. I am so hurt and angry at how he treated me. When I look at them together, I realize how much of a lie I was living. I have a hard time believing he ever really loved me. He only kept me around out of fear of being alone. I never meant anything to him.
I realize this blog sounds like a pity party. Forgive me, but I have nowhere else to turn. I remember in December 2010, I received a message from a woman on FB looking for him. Her profile showed that she was a stewardess for a local airline. I don't believe that the woman he is with now and the woman on FB are the same. However, I do believe someone was trying to tell me that he was a liar. He swore that night that there was no other woman. A lie. Later, I found where he had been on a singles site for the entire 4 1/2 years we'd been together. People had left him messages saying they were sorry that he couldn't make it to the previous meetup. But, they looked forward to seeing him again. In the meantime, he's telling me that he thinks he may be gay. Now that, I did not believe for a second.
So, what about the new woman? My friends had been telling me how plain she was and how she lacked any sort of personality. They had the plain right. I have enough of an ego to know that I am a beautiful woman. I never would have considered her a threat because she isn't even pretty. My first thought is that she must have money because unfortunately, I lack money. After 4 years without a job, I am sure that he needs a woman with some sort of job security. I am a lowly student working to get a masters degree to improve my lot in the world. Also, she looks much younger than me. He had always dated older women. I guess he wanted something different this time. My friends are always telling me that they don't see it. It's like tossing a movie star away for the frumpy librarian. Meh!
The truly funny part of all of this is that at the moment the only two men pursuing me are MUCH younger than I am. One is 10 years younger and the other 16. Unfortunately, I have no interest in them or any other man, but I am flattered they find me attractive. After a year, I am honest enough with myself to know that I don't trust men at all. Whenever I'm talking to a man, in the back of my mind I'm thinking what is wrong with him that he'd want to date me. Never mind that I am a truly caring, honest, loving woman, but because of him, all men are scum with no redeeming qualities and are to be treated as such. Don't worry, I've made an appointment with my therapist to discuss this issue because this is an issue that I can't fix alone. Of course, if I were willing to date, I would probably learn different, but I am to terrified of being hurt again that I don't want to find out.
I never want to go through that pain again. Truthfully, I don't think I would survive. The last one had me to the point that people were threatening to force feed me. I was so depressed I didn't care if I lived or died. It's against my religion to commit suicide, but I had the strength to die of starvation.
So to keep everyone from worrying, I talk about all the positive things in my life. There are positives to being single.
1. No drama
2. No lies
3. I don't have to share
4. I can do what I want, when I want without belittling, degradation, disapproval, etc.
5. I get all the unconditional love I need from my dog.
6. I can do things with my friends without worrying about who he's talking to while I'm gone.
7. No strange women are showing up at my door leaving stuffed animals and letters.
8. The best part is that I don't have to share my popcorn and coke at the movies. :)
There are more positives. And most days I am a very positive upbeat person. It's just some days the mask cracks, but I do a good job of hiding the cracks.
I will finish by saying that I am resigned to living out the remainder of my days alone because I never want to allow someone to hurt me that way again. Unless the therapist has a miracle up her sleeve, then single I will be.
I realize this blog sounds like a pity party. Forgive me, but I have nowhere else to turn. I remember in December 2010, I received a message from a woman on FB looking for him. Her profile showed that she was a stewardess for a local airline. I don't believe that the woman he is with now and the woman on FB are the same. However, I do believe someone was trying to tell me that he was a liar. He swore that night that there was no other woman. A lie. Later, I found where he had been on a singles site for the entire 4 1/2 years we'd been together. People had left him messages saying they were sorry that he couldn't make it to the previous meetup. But, they looked forward to seeing him again. In the meantime, he's telling me that he thinks he may be gay. Now that, I did not believe for a second.
So, what about the new woman? My friends had been telling me how plain she was and how she lacked any sort of personality. They had the plain right. I have enough of an ego to know that I am a beautiful woman. I never would have considered her a threat because she isn't even pretty. My first thought is that she must have money because unfortunately, I lack money. After 4 years without a job, I am sure that he needs a woman with some sort of job security. I am a lowly student working to get a masters degree to improve my lot in the world. Also, she looks much younger than me. He had always dated older women. I guess he wanted something different this time. My friends are always telling me that they don't see it. It's like tossing a movie star away for the frumpy librarian. Meh!
The truly funny part of all of this is that at the moment the only two men pursuing me are MUCH younger than I am. One is 10 years younger and the other 16. Unfortunately, I have no interest in them or any other man, but I am flattered they find me attractive. After a year, I am honest enough with myself to know that I don't trust men at all. Whenever I'm talking to a man, in the back of my mind I'm thinking what is wrong with him that he'd want to date me. Never mind that I am a truly caring, honest, loving woman, but because of him, all men are scum with no redeeming qualities and are to be treated as such. Don't worry, I've made an appointment with my therapist to discuss this issue because this is an issue that I can't fix alone. Of course, if I were willing to date, I would probably learn different, but I am to terrified of being hurt again that I don't want to find out.
I never want to go through that pain again. Truthfully, I don't think I would survive. The last one had me to the point that people were threatening to force feed me. I was so depressed I didn't care if I lived or died. It's against my religion to commit suicide, but I had the strength to die of starvation.
So to keep everyone from worrying, I talk about all the positive things in my life. There are positives to being single.
1. No drama
2. No lies
3. I don't have to share
4. I can do what I want, when I want without belittling, degradation, disapproval, etc.
5. I get all the unconditional love I need from my dog.
6. I can do things with my friends without worrying about who he's talking to while I'm gone.
7. No strange women are showing up at my door leaving stuffed animals and letters.
8. The best part is that I don't have to share my popcorn and coke at the movies. :)
There are more positives. And most days I am a very positive upbeat person. It's just some days the mask cracks, but I do a good job of hiding the cracks.
I will finish by saying that I am resigned to living out the remainder of my days alone because I never want to allow someone to hurt me that way again. Unless the therapist has a miracle up her sleeve, then single I will be.
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
It was just another day...
For some reason I expected today to be sad. I expected to be sad, but I wasn't. It was just another day. At work, I was exceptionally busy. When I got home, I did the usual routine of walking my dog and then cooking dinner. Dobby and I played for a while and I laughed.
I laugh and joke a lot these days. Mostly I tease my co-workers or friends. It feels good. I guess I really have moved on. Sometimes, I surprise even me.
I laugh and joke a lot these days. Mostly I tease my co-workers or friends. It feels good. I guess I really have moved on. Sometimes, I surprise even me.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
I get by with a little help from my friends...
After the breakup, I moved in with my best friend and her family. I will treasure this time always. She and her husband allowed me the time I needed to heal both mentally and financially. When I came to them I was a wreck. I was suffering from the worst case of depression I had ever experienced. There were days I went without eating because I simply could no swallow. I lost 40 pounds in about a month. With their love and kindness, I've come back to life.
While in the relationship, my self-esteem hit rock-bottom. I hated how I looked because I wasn't measuring up to his expectations. At one point, I blamed myself for everything. That's exactly what he wanted.
Now, when I look in the mirror, I see a happy, confidant, beautiful woman. I love the woman I see peering back at me. I know what she went through and how she fought to regain her life when all she wanted to do was lay down and vanish into the earth. She didn't. I didn't.
My best friend admitted to me that there were times when she wondered if I was going to make it back. She was scared I would do something crazy. I thought about it, but I couldn't. One thing I've been taught all my life is that life is precious. I just had to get my fight back.
Strangely, I have a glow to me now. I smile. I laugh. I play pranks. I have more friends than I ever thought possible especially since I tend to be a loner. I am more of an extrovert, but I am still not as social as I'd like to be. There are still situations that intimidate me. I'm getting stronger and better able to face those situations. I am certainly not a doormat anymore. I value me.
The one thing I wasn't taught growing up in the South was that I have value as a single person. Growing up, I heard graduate from school, get a good job, find a husband, raise a family, and grow old. As a single woman, I had no worth. That's so wrong!
I am more valuable to myself, my friends, and my family now. I have fought demons and won. I have wisdom. When my daughter, step-daughter, mother, friends, co-workers, etc., look at me, they see me...a strong, loving, kind, beautiful, vital, productive, intelligent woman striving to make a name for herself. I am woman! Hear me roar!
While in the relationship, my self-esteem hit rock-bottom. I hated how I looked because I wasn't measuring up to his expectations. At one point, I blamed myself for everything. That's exactly what he wanted.
Now, when I look in the mirror, I see a happy, confidant, beautiful woman. I love the woman I see peering back at me. I know what she went through and how she fought to regain her life when all she wanted to do was lay down and vanish into the earth. She didn't. I didn't.
My best friend admitted to me that there were times when she wondered if I was going to make it back. She was scared I would do something crazy. I thought about it, but I couldn't. One thing I've been taught all my life is that life is precious. I just had to get my fight back.
Strangely, I have a glow to me now. I smile. I laugh. I play pranks. I have more friends than I ever thought possible especially since I tend to be a loner. I am more of an extrovert, but I am still not as social as I'd like to be. There are still situations that intimidate me. I'm getting stronger and better able to face those situations. I am certainly not a doormat anymore. I value me.
The one thing I wasn't taught growing up in the South was that I have value as a single person. Growing up, I heard graduate from school, get a good job, find a husband, raise a family, and grow old. As a single woman, I had no worth. That's so wrong!
I am more valuable to myself, my friends, and my family now. I have fought demons and won. I have wisdom. When my daughter, step-daughter, mother, friends, co-workers, etc., look at me, they see me...a strong, loving, kind, beautiful, vital, productive, intelligent woman striving to make a name for herself. I am woman! Hear me roar!
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Getting Past Your Breakup by Susan J. Elliott
Over a month ago, I purchased the book Getting Past Your Breakup. The book is a step by step guide to turning a break up into a time for self-discovery. Many of us are doomed to continue repeating past mistakes unless we recognize them and take steps to change our habits. For me, it seems that I keep picking the same man over and over. I find the broken man in hopes of fixing him and making him happy.
One thing the book has taught me thus far is that I have to love me and feel confident in my choices before moving to the next man (or mistake). I have discovered so many strengths I never knew I had.
I am more than capable of making decisions for myself.
I am a loving, giving person.
I am smart.
I am beautiful.
I am caring.
I have achievable goals.
I can take care of me.
My life is complete (without a man).
There is so much more I've learned about myself, but I won't bore everyone with the details. Well, there is one more thing. I am ridiculously happy. My life is good. I have some of the most wonderful friends in the universe. My family is fantastic. I am surrounded by love and support. The book has really opened my eyes to the blessings (good things) in my life. When I was with the ex-fiance, I didn't notice. I was working so hard to be what he wanted me to be that I didn't see there were those who loved me as I was.
Learning to be true to me and my beliefs has been a difficult lesson, but so worth the time and effort. I can honestly say, I love me and I love my life.
One thing the book has taught me thus far is that I have to love me and feel confident in my choices before moving to the next man (or mistake). I have discovered so many strengths I never knew I had.
I am more than capable of making decisions for myself.
I am a loving, giving person.
I am smart.
I am beautiful.
I am caring.
I have achievable goals.
I can take care of me.
My life is complete (without a man).
There is so much more I've learned about myself, but I won't bore everyone with the details. Well, there is one more thing. I am ridiculously happy. My life is good. I have some of the most wonderful friends in the universe. My family is fantastic. I am surrounded by love and support. The book has really opened my eyes to the blessings (good things) in my life. When I was with the ex-fiance, I didn't notice. I was working so hard to be what he wanted me to be that I didn't see there were those who loved me as I was.
Learning to be true to me and my beliefs has been a difficult lesson, but so worth the time and effort. I can honestly say, I love me and I love my life.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)