Most days, I don't have a problem with finding something to be happy about. I wake up to the cutest puppy in the world. (No I'm not biased). I have one of the most wonderful friends in the world who works hard to help me work through the pain I feel. Unfortunately, there are days that I just can't find anything good about.
The therapist says that I will have days like that, but I am tired of them. I miss walking into work and telling everyone "Good Morning!" in a singsong voice. Now, I slunk to my office hoping no one will notice the tear tracks going down my face from the cry I've had on the way to work.
I realize that the relationship I had was a bad one built on mistrust and deceit. In my mind, I know that there is probably something better out there. But I can't help wanting to go back HOME. He was my home, my family, my confidante, and my heart. Without him, I feel all alone and empty.
How do you find happiness when there is only emptiness inside and a sense of uselessness? How do you feel self-worth again when you've been tossed aside like an old toy? I am so lost right now.
Everyone says to give it time that I will feel better in a few weeks. I don't feel I have the time. I just feel this urgency that if I don't get better soon, I will never get better. I will be a little old lady pining away for the loss of her one true love.
How do I stop my heart from yearning for what it cannot have? It would be easier to ask me to stop breathing because I haven't taken a breath since the moment I walked away from him.....
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Will this pain ever stop?
I miss you…
There I said it. I miss him. I miss the man I thought I knew. I miss the man I thought loved me. I miss the man who wanted to marry me. I miss the man who would send me text messages that said “ILU”.
Where did he go?
I love you…
Why can’t I stop loving him? He stopped loving me…quite easily it seems.
He worked hard to build up my confidence only to be the one to tear it down. Why?
Every time I would start feeling comfortable in the relationship, he would do something to knock me back to the unconfident, blathering idiot. Did he not like me being comfortable? Did he not like me confident?
Was I too good to him? I never did anything to hurt him. Why does he feel the need to hurt me? I forgave him every time he hurt me. Should I have cheated on him? I’m a good person. Is that why he doesn’t love me?
All I ever wanted to do was to love him and make him happy. Was that a mistake?
What did I do that was so wrong?
What’s wrong with me?
Will I ever stop crying?
Will I ever be happy again?
Will I ever find true love?
Does true love exist?
Is there only pain?
I WANT MY LIFE BACK!
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Welcome to the Rollercoaster ride from HELL!
Since my breakup, I've ridden an emotional roller coaster. One minute I am handling things well. The next I am a huge blob of tears. Then, I am a raging lunatic. Will someone please stop the ride and let me get off?
I've ask the counselor several times how long I can expect these feelings to last. Her answer, "the roller coaster ride will last as long as it lasts." Well duh! Didn't take a rocket scientist to figure that one out.
Last night, I went to my first workout in months. The trainer asks me what my motivation was for working out. I immediately told her that I originally bought the membership to lose weight for my wedding and promptly burst out into tears. Yep! Right there in the middle of the 24 Hour Fitness! I couldn't stop myself. It was so humiliating.
I finally sucked up the tears and sadness, looked her in the eye and said, "I'm doing this for me now." I told her that I wanted to reduce my cholesterol, blood pressure, and get toned and trim all for me. She grinned and said, "Atta girl!"
I learned a lot about myself last night...I am strong-willed and will get through this. Unfortunately, there are going to be lots of tears, but I will make it. What doesn't break us only makes us stronger. When I come out on the other side of this, I'm going to be the better person.
I've ask the counselor several times how long I can expect these feelings to last. Her answer, "the roller coaster ride will last as long as it lasts." Well duh! Didn't take a rocket scientist to figure that one out.
Last night, I went to my first workout in months. The trainer asks me what my motivation was for working out. I immediately told her that I originally bought the membership to lose weight for my wedding and promptly burst out into tears. Yep! Right there in the middle of the 24 Hour Fitness! I couldn't stop myself. It was so humiliating.
I finally sucked up the tears and sadness, looked her in the eye and said, "I'm doing this for me now." I told her that I wanted to reduce my cholesterol, blood pressure, and get toned and trim all for me. She grinned and said, "Atta girl!"
I learned a lot about myself last night...I am strong-willed and will get through this. Unfortunately, there are going to be lots of tears, but I will make it. What doesn't break us only makes us stronger. When I come out on the other side of this, I'm going to be the better person.
Should a relationship be easy?
Should a relationship be easy or should it be work? I have been reading a lot about relationships lately. It seems the division is 50/50. Perhaps the answer lies somewhere in the middle. When a relationship is coasting along, no work is necessary to keep it going. However, when a relationship hits a problem, the relationship needs nurturing aka work.
The real question is when a relationship hits a snag, are both people willing to put in the effort to repair the problem? If not, then no amount of work is going to fix it. It takes two to make a relationship or break a relationship.
One question to consider is, is this person worth the effort? If you love this person and see yourself spending the rest of your life with them, they are worth the effort.
I am of the opinion that any relationship worth its salt needs work. Rarely is life perfect. What makes someone think relationships are perfect? Each person brings a unique view and dynamic to the relationship. Our differences and uniqueness is what attracts others. If everyone were just alike, life would be very boring.
My role models on the subject are my parents and grandparents. Mom and Dad were married 43 years before Dad passed away suddenly. Both sets of grandparents celebrated their 60th wedding anniversaries. Life was never a bed of roses 24/7/365. When my parents argued, they argued. The arguments usually ended in some kind of compromise so they felt they had an equal share in the decision. It was never a win/lose situation. It was always a win/win. I do know that while us kids were still living in the house, my parents did a LOT of compromising. Once we moved out, they had a peaceful, loving, caring relationship. They had enough love for each other to know that when the kids were grown, they would have plenty of time for each other.
The real question is when a relationship hits a snag, are both people willing to put in the effort to repair the problem? If not, then no amount of work is going to fix it. It takes two to make a relationship or break a relationship.
One question to consider is, is this person worth the effort? If you love this person and see yourself spending the rest of your life with them, they are worth the effort.
I am of the opinion that any relationship worth its salt needs work. Rarely is life perfect. What makes someone think relationships are perfect? Each person brings a unique view and dynamic to the relationship. Our differences and uniqueness is what attracts others. If everyone were just alike, life would be very boring.
My role models on the subject are my parents and grandparents. Mom and Dad were married 43 years before Dad passed away suddenly. Both sets of grandparents celebrated their 60th wedding anniversaries. Life was never a bed of roses 24/7/365. When my parents argued, they argued. The arguments usually ended in some kind of compromise so they felt they had an equal share in the decision. It was never a win/lose situation. It was always a win/win. I do know that while us kids were still living in the house, my parents did a LOT of compromising. Once we moved out, they had a peaceful, loving, caring relationship. They had enough love for each other to know that when the kids were grown, they would have plenty of time for each other.
What makes me happy...
Sitting in my office this morning, I suddenly had inspiration. I started making a list of the things that make me happy.
- Cuddling with my puppy while he takes a nap.
- Curling up with a blanket and a good book on a snowy day while a fire roars in the fireplace.
- Staying in and baking on snowy days.
- Stepping on the scales to find that I’ve lost weight and I wasn’t even trying.
- The sounds of the house on Christmas morning as my daughter open her presents.
- Spending time with good friends and family.
- Opening the windows on a rainy day to listen to the sound of the rain hitting the porch.
- Telling a joke and having people laugh uproariously.
- Writing in my blog.
- Doing my job and doing it well.
- Doing something nice for someone just because.
- Getting text messages.
- Finding extra money in a coat pocket.
- Shoe shopping.
- Pampering myself with manicures, pedicures, or hair coloring.
Since getting my puppy, I look forward to the mornings when I can pull him out of his kennel and cuddle. The mornings are when he is most loving. This morning he crawled into the crook of my arm, laid down, and went to sleep. There is nothing like unconditional love and trust to make me happy.
Snow days are always days I want to stay home and stay warm. Curling up with a blanket and reading was something I did at my Grandmothers as a kid especially when I had to stay home sick. The baking in the winter was something she did too. As a kid, food was a HUGE comfort. Warm banana bread and a glass of milk were the best. Those were happy times.
“Stepping on the scales to find that I’ve lost weight and I wasn’t even trying.” Having always had a weight problem (except for briefly in my 20’s), I find no greater happiness than to see the scale move to a lesser value. In the past week, I’ve dropped 10 pounds without even trying. Of course, it could have had something to do with the fact that I couldn’t swallow past the lump in my throat, but I’ll take my small victory.
Some would find it odd that text messages make me happy. For me, getting a text message is such a surprise that it’s almost like receiving a gift. The office where I work doesn’t allow personal phone calls which mean that staying in touch with family and friends is difficult and limited. When I receive a text, I feel loved, thought about, and included. It’s the best feeling. Unfortunately, since my breakup, I rarely get them anymore which make the ones I do get even more special.
In the next few months, I am hoping to find more things that make me happy. The recreation center in town offers a watercolor class. I’ve always wanted to learn how to paint in watercolor. I’m looking into going back to college to get my masters degree though I still have some reservations about it. School is where I have always excelled and I know it would make me happy. However, I am unsure about committing the time right now. I don’t want to feel like I am hiding away from the world when I should be enjoying it and healing.
Only time will tell…
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Brokenhearted fool
A week and a half ago, my fiance of four years decides that he is not longer in love with me and I have to go. It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I still loved him though I was crushed. How do you just walk away from four years of your life?
I tried talking, but to no avail. He wouldn't hear it. His mind was made up.
I even tried begging, but it only angered him.
So here I am at my best friends house living the life of a gypsy out of boxes and suitcases.
What am I going to do with my life now? I thought I had it all figured out. I was getting married on October 1, 2011 and magically the rest of our life was going to be perfect. That isn't going to happen.
Currently, I am going to counseling about every 3 weeks though I have to admit that I talk to my counselor via email more frequently. It seems I want to rush through the healing process. Unfortunately, my heart isn't cooperating.
The first thing my counselor told me was no contact with the ex. I have to admit, this has been the toughest part for me. The one thing the ex and I could do was converse. Most evenings I would call on my way home from work. We would talk the fifteen minutes or so it took me to get home. After arriving home, we would talk the rest of the night depending on whether or not he had his daughter. Admittedly, I missed talking when his daughter was there. This fact was the source of many arguments that led to the demise of our relationship. I just wanted him to come to bed at a decent time so that we could have our couple time too. It just never seemed to sink in.
So, after many unsuccessful attempts to converse with the ex in the past week, I've come to the conclusion the medical professionals know what they are talking about. I have been so angry when talking to the ex that I could easily remove his manhood with my bare hands. No, I haven't done it...yet.
The next thing the counselor told me was to do one thing a day that makes me happy. She looked directly at me and asked, "What makes you happy?" I had no answer. There are many things I enjoy doing like crocheting, reading, walking, talking, etc., but none of them make me "happy". What is happy?
With a completely blank expression on my face, I said that I loved crocheting. She kept asking if there was anything else. After graduating from college, I thought I had taken all of the toughest tests there were. None of those tests had prepared me for the toughest question of my life. What makes me happy?
My assignment for the next appointment is to find what makes me happy. I've asked friends and co-workers but all the answers are on the same level...A nice cold beer, a good wine, a good book, etc. Still, those are activities I enjoy doing, but they don't bring me overwhelming happiness.
I remember as a kid the times when my parents would take us on a picnic next to Horse Creek. We would take turns swinging out into the creek on an old rope before splashing in the middle. Now, that made me happy. Taking long walks with my Dad while he told us what life was like when he was a kid made for some happy memories.
Now, what will make ME happy?
I tried talking, but to no avail. He wouldn't hear it. His mind was made up.
I even tried begging, but it only angered him.
So here I am at my best friends house living the life of a gypsy out of boxes and suitcases.
What am I going to do with my life now? I thought I had it all figured out. I was getting married on October 1, 2011 and magically the rest of our life was going to be perfect. That isn't going to happen.
Currently, I am going to counseling about every 3 weeks though I have to admit that I talk to my counselor via email more frequently. It seems I want to rush through the healing process. Unfortunately, my heart isn't cooperating.
The first thing my counselor told me was no contact with the ex. I have to admit, this has been the toughest part for me. The one thing the ex and I could do was converse. Most evenings I would call on my way home from work. We would talk the fifteen minutes or so it took me to get home. After arriving home, we would talk the rest of the night depending on whether or not he had his daughter. Admittedly, I missed talking when his daughter was there. This fact was the source of many arguments that led to the demise of our relationship. I just wanted him to come to bed at a decent time so that we could have our couple time too. It just never seemed to sink in.
So, after many unsuccessful attempts to converse with the ex in the past week, I've come to the conclusion the medical professionals know what they are talking about. I have been so angry when talking to the ex that I could easily remove his manhood with my bare hands. No, I haven't done it...yet.
The next thing the counselor told me was to do one thing a day that makes me happy. She looked directly at me and asked, "What makes you happy?" I had no answer. There are many things I enjoy doing like crocheting, reading, walking, talking, etc., but none of them make me "happy". What is happy?
With a completely blank expression on my face, I said that I loved crocheting. She kept asking if there was anything else. After graduating from college, I thought I had taken all of the toughest tests there were. None of those tests had prepared me for the toughest question of my life. What makes me happy?
My assignment for the next appointment is to find what makes me happy. I've asked friends and co-workers but all the answers are on the same level...A nice cold beer, a good wine, a good book, etc. Still, those are activities I enjoy doing, but they don't bring me overwhelming happiness.
I remember as a kid the times when my parents would take us on a picnic next to Horse Creek. We would take turns swinging out into the creek on an old rope before splashing in the middle. Now, that made me happy. Taking long walks with my Dad while he told us what life was like when he was a kid made for some happy memories.
Now, what will make ME happy?
Sunday, February 20, 2011
HRT...a blessing in disguise
Six months ago, my gynecologist started me on a type of hormone replacement therapy with a low dose birth control pill. After the first pill pack, I felt different. I was calmer; no more crying jags over the smallest things; no more fights over irrational things. I became a different person.
Many times since starting HRT, my boyfriend has looked at me with the strangest expressions and says, "Where is my girlfriend and what have you done to her?" The change is very noticeable. We've even started making wedding plans for October, 2011. My boyfriend really believes the HRT saved our relationship. I have to agree.
I honestly FEEL better. It's the strangest thing, but I feel like ME. I feel...for the lack of a better term...normal.
Many times since starting HRT, my boyfriend has looked at me with the strangest expressions and says, "Where is my girlfriend and what have you done to her?" The change is very noticeable. We've even started making wedding plans for October, 2011. My boyfriend really believes the HRT saved our relationship. I have to agree.
I honestly FEEL better. It's the strangest thing, but I feel like ME. I feel...for the lack of a better term...normal.
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