Random Thought Moment

I wonder if the ex-fiance is going to become poly.  It would be the intelligent choice for him.  He likes having multiple women at his beck and call.  He likes that new relationship smell.  Maybe not though...he could just be a player...playing on the affections of several women and serious about none...too much in love with himself to give himself to just one.  Hmmmm....it's a thought.

Since he is never going to speak to me again, I guess I will never know.

How I feel...

How do I feel? 

I feel sad, hurt, lost, rejected, dejected, like a burden on my friends, like the world wouldn’t notice if I were gone.  I feel scared.  I feel broken.  At this moment, I am on the crest of a tsunami that is going to destroy everything in its path when it crashes onto shore. 

All I want to do is cry and bury my head in the covers. 

This morning I had a psycho moment.  Actually, I have had a few psycho moments the past two days.  I was doing so well and then BOOM!  I hit bottom…again.

Will this pain ever stop? 

I want my life back.  I want my brain back.  I want the sadness to go away.

I want to move on and be healthy. 

Can anyone out there hear me?

Sleep…eludes me.  So tired.  

Rant

Are you happy now?

You couldn’t wait to start your new life so you shoved me out the door.  Before I could get down the street were you already calling her?  Was she worth it?  Does she make you happy?  Does she make you laugh?  Does she comfort you when you’re in pain?  Does she love you like I did?  Did the two of you laugh at the pathetic sight I made?  Did you laugh at the old, fat lady as she cried uncontrollably for the loss of her love?  Are you happy now?  Are all your dreams fulfilled?  Were you glad to see the last of my things leave your house?  Are you happy now?  Is the single life everything you had hoped?  Is the better woman better?  Does it please you that I cried so many tears?  Are you happy that I wanted to commit myself out of fear of hurting myself?  Are you pleased that I left you alone?  Is it easier for you now?  Is freedom from me all that you hoped? 

Are you happy now?

Adaptation

This weekend I spent some time reading my Rebuilding book.  The book has steps that you must go through before beginning a new relationship.  It is mainly to help a person rebuild their self image.  I have a poor self image at the moment and can use any help I can get. 

In the adaptive stage of the book, you are made to address the adaptive behaviors you use to cope in a relationship.  It seems that I am an over-responsible person who feels comfortable with under-responsible people.  In relationships, all of us seek out the person who we believe will balance us.  My balance is an under-responsible person. 

How did the adaptive behavior begin?  For me, the adaptive behavior was developed in childhood.  I so wanted my mother to love me.  The only time I felt she loved me was when I brought home high marks in school.  I worked hard in school to be the best. 

In school, I was overweight from the 8^th grade until the 11^th.  The kids used to call me 2-Ton Buns.  I hated that name and tried very hard to ignore them.  However, when they picked on smaller kids less able to defend themselves, I was right there defending the weak.  This is how I made friends in school.  I became responsible for the weaker making me an over-responsible personality. 

I also realize that when I am overweight I have very low self-esteem.  Whenever the ex would tell me something didn’t look good on me, it would go to the core of my insecurities.  Did he know this?  I don’t know, but I do know it made me very insecure.  Unfortunately, my insecurities became my downfall. 

The book made me realize that I work my butt off to make people love me.  Unfortunately, it doesn’t work.  So now I am going to work my butt off to love myself.   I am losing weight and working out not for him, but for me.  I want to look in the mirror and be proud of all I’ve accomplished and love the reflection looking back at me.

I don’t know if I will ever believe a man again though when he says he loves me.  I believed the ex, but he lied to me from the beginning and continued lying until the very end.  How do you learn to trust and believe again?  I suppose I will cross that bridge when I get to it (in a couple of years).  It really does hurt to be dumped.  The rejection and pain are incredible. 

Letting go...

To My Ex

First, let me start by saying you were right.  You were right when you said a relationship shouldn’t be so much work.  I realize now that I was being manipulative and controlling while trying to mold you into the man I wanted and needed.  It wasn’t who you were or wanted to be.  For that, I am very sorry. 

Whenever you lied to me, I should have moved on.  I didn’t because I saw vulnerability in you that I wanted to protect and fix.  You didn’t want to be fixed.  You wanted to fix me.  Neither one of us was willing to give up our ideals or needs for the other.  For me, I didn’t want to let go of my morals or ideals.  I feel you didn’t want to give up your need for female adoration.  It was your way of feeling like a man when in my eyes you were a man.  You just didn’t see it. 

During my session yesterday, I realized that my trust issues weren’t with you.  They were with me.  Every time I felt you were lying to me, I made excuses and ignored that little voice that was saying run.  You never really earned my trust because our relationship was built on lies.  A relationship built on a lie no matter how honorable is doomed.  If you can’t trust someone to be honest from the beginning, how do you trust them until the end?  I know you tried very hard to earn my trust after the affair, but you just couldn’t fight who you were.  You need the adulation and adoration or possibly the pity of other women.  I understand your belief that if you aren’t sleeping with them, you aren’t cheating.  To me, you are cheating.  Each time you talk to them, you give them a piece of your heart that should have been meant for me.  You invest in them emotionally and take that emotion from me.  I can’t compete with 20 women.  I shouldn’t have to compete.  I won’t compete.  I realize that instead of trying to manipulate you, I should have said either they go or I go.  The choice was mine to stay or go.  I should have gone.  We never should have tried.  It was my mistake for thinking I could fix a broken man who liked being broken.

I know I sound harsh and I don’t mean to be.  I am just being honest with myself. 

For the next year, I am going to stay single.  I am afraid that any relationship I begin now would be a rebound relationship and would wind up hurting both of us.  I can’t knowingly hurt someone, so I just won’t look.  It’s ME time.  I want to live single and learn to love me single. I want to be healthy (mentally and physically) and happy. 

Since the break up, I’ve learned so much about myself.  1.  I am a loving, kind person.  2. I am a lovable person.  3.  I am capable of trust.  4. I am capable of being a friend.  5.  I have many friends who love me. 6. I have a lot to offer the right person.  7.  I am strong.  8.  I am smart.  9.  I don’t need a man to feel good about myself.  10.  I am happy with myself.

I hope you continue to work on yourself and fix what is broken, if that is what you want.  I loved you with all my heart and will never stop loving you.  We had some wonderful, happy times together and I will treasure those memories.  Take care.

Love Always,

Me

Why?

Why do I feel so empty and hopeless?  I've decided to go skydiving on September 17.  My first thought was "maybe I'll get lucky and the parachute won't open" except there will be someone with me.  I just can't figure out what will make me happy and make me forget him.  He's moved on...why can't I?  He doesn't love me anymore.  Why can't I stop loving him, needing him, wanting him?  Why?  It's just not fair!

I feel...

My first Rebuilding homework assignment is to keep a journal and write “I feel ___”.   Here I go:

I feel…

Angry, hurt, betrayed, lost, unloved, unwanted, undesirable, rejected, empty, worthless, fat, ugly, stupid, gullible, tired, hopeless, drained, dejected, overwhelmed

I feel pain.

I feel like…

A loser, a failure, an empty shell, like I could disappear and it wouldn’t matter.

I feel dead.