Adaptation

This weekend I spent some time reading my Rebuilding book.  The book has steps that you must go through before beginning a new relationship.  It is mainly to help a person rebuild their self image.  I have a poor self image at the moment and can use any help I can get. 

In the adaptive stage of the book, you are made to address the adaptive behaviors you use to cope in a relationship.  It seems that I am an over-responsible person who feels comfortable with under-responsible people.  In relationships, all of us seek out the person who we believe will balance us.  My balance is an under-responsible person. 

How did the adaptive behavior begin?  For me, the adaptive behavior was developed in childhood.  I so wanted my mother to love me.  The only time I felt she loved me was when I brought home high marks in school.  I worked hard in school to be the best. 

In school, I was overweight from the 8^th grade until the 11^th.  The kids used to call me 2-Ton Buns.  I hated that name and tried very hard to ignore them.  However, when they picked on smaller kids less able to defend themselves, I was right there defending the weak.  This is how I made friends in school.  I became responsible for the weaker making me an over-responsible personality. 

I also realize that when I am overweight I have very low self-esteem.  Whenever the ex would tell me something didn’t look good on me, it would go to the core of my insecurities.  Did he know this?  I don’t know, but I do know it made me very insecure.  Unfortunately, my insecurities became my downfall. 

The book made me realize that I work my butt off to make people love me.  Unfortunately, it doesn’t work.  So now I am going to work my butt off to love myself.   I am losing weight and working out not for him, but for me.  I want to look in the mirror and be proud of all I’ve accomplished and love the reflection looking back at me.

I don’t know if I will ever believe a man again though when he says he loves me.  I believed the ex, but he lied to me from the beginning and continued lying until the very end.  How do you learn to trust and believe again?  I suppose I will cross that bridge when I get to it (in a couple of years).  It really does hurt to be dumped.  The rejection and pain are incredible.