How to be self-confident...

One thing I have always lacked is self-confidence.  When it comes to math or accounting, I have self-confidence because I've proven to myself that I know how to do these things.  However, when it comes to being comfortable in my own skin, I have very little confidence.

Last night, I downloaded a book on self-confidence.  Most of the steps are common sense like get a new hairdo, try new clothing style, get your nails done, hang out with confident people, etc.  All of those ideas are good, but only temporary.  One bad hair day and your confidence is wrecked.

I believe to boost my self-confidence, I need to exercise and lose more weight.  Unfortunately, I just don't have the desire to lift my butt off the sofa and go do it.  Where do I find that strength to pick myself up and just do it?

When I was 22 and a size 8, I didn't have self-confidence.  On the inside, I was still me.  I was the fat girl everyone made fun of in high school...I was Two-Ton Buns.  My senior year of high school I lost 60 pounds, but still lacked confidence around the opposite sex.  I married the first man that told me I was beautiful.  Big mistake!  That's another story.

According to the new book, in order to gain self-confidence, I have to write positive affirmations every day.  The theory is that if you repeat them enough, you will begin to believe them.  Affirmations work well when you are in the privacy and comfort of your apartment, but what about when the boss is asking why you haven't finished a project?  When work is so overwhelming that you don't know where to start?  All the self-confidence in the world cannot get the boss to hire a new person to help with some of the load.  I don't even have the time to figure out where I need help.

What to do?  Is self-confidence a cure-all or an illusion?  If I had self-confidence, would my life suddenly, miraculously change for the better?  It's worth a try.  Especially, when there is no where to go but up.

Moving on...

Life has a way of carrying us forward.  A few weeks ago, I moved into an apartment.  It's small by most standards (especially when you don't have enough closet space), but for me and my puppy, it's fine.  Every morning we go for a walk.  The complex is landscaped and the grounds are beautiful.  My puppy loves the abundance of rabbits, birds, and squirrels...who seem to torment him when we go for our walks.  He keeps me moving. 

I realize now that if I am going to be happy here, I am going to have to make friends.  The first order of business is to start smiling again.  In most of the pictures taken of me recently, I'm not smiling.  I'm not frowning, but I am certainly not smiling.  What happened to that easy smile I had a few years ago?  How do you get your smile back?  I'm not talking about the one you reserve for friends, family, and loved ones.  I'm talking about the one that says "Hello!  I am a happy person who loves people.  I want to meet you because I feel you're special!"  Maybe that's overkill, but its the smile when we show the world we are open to life, love, happiness, and (dare I say it?) trust.   AHA!  That's what it is!  I've lost my trust. 

When meeting new people, you have to have just the smallest amount of trust because you are sharing your name and a small piece of yourself.   Today, I still wonder if I am ever going to get the piece of myself back that I left behind.  There's definitely an emptiness in my chest now where my heart used to be...

So, how do you rebuild trust, not only in others, but in yourself?  Baby steps.  It starts with a smile.  A smile says you are opening yourself up to learn about others.  It shows interest in other members of the human race.  It's the simplest communication device we have available. 

I get by with a little help from my friends...

After the breakup, I moved in with my best friend and her family.  I will treasure this time always.  She and her husband allowed me the time I needed to heal both mentally and financially.  When I came to them I was a wreck.  I was suffering from the worst case of depression I had ever experienced.  There were days I went without eating because I simply could no swallow.  I lost 40 pounds in about a month.  With their love and kindness, I've come back to life. 

While in the relationship, my self-esteem hit rock-bottom.  I hated how I looked because I wasn't measuring up to his expectations.  At one point, I blamed myself for everything.  That's exactly what he wanted. 

Now, when I look in the mirror, I see a happy, confidant, beautiful woman.  I love the woman I see peering back at me.  I know what she went through and how she fought to regain her life when all she wanted to do was lay down and vanish into the earth.  She didn't.  I didn't. 

My best friend admitted to me that there were times when she wondered if I was going to make it back.  She was scared I would do something crazy.  I thought about it, but I couldn't.  One thing I've been taught all my life is that life is precious.  I just had to get my fight back.

Strangely, I have a glow to me now.  I smile.  I laugh.  I play pranks.  I have more friends than I ever thought possible especially since I tend to be a loner.  I am more of an extrovert, but I am still not as social as I'd like to be.  There are still situations that intimidate me.  I'm getting stronger and better able to face those situations.    I am certainly not a doormat anymore.  I value me. 

The one thing I wasn't taught growing up in the South was that I have value as a single person.  Growing up, I heard graduate from school, get a good job, find a husband, raise a family, and grow old.  As a single woman, I had no worth.  That's so wrong! 

I am more valuable to myself, my friends, and my family now.  I have fought demons and won.  I have wisdom.  When my daughter, step-daughter, mother, friends, co-workers, etc., look at me, they see me...a strong, loving, kind, beautiful, vital, productive, intelligent woman striving to make a name for herself.  I am woman!  Hear me roar! 

Getting Past Your Breakup by Susan J. Elliott

Over a month ago, I purchased the book Getting Past Your Breakup.  The book is a step by step guide to turning a break up into a time for  self-discovery.  Many of us are doomed to continue repeating past mistakes unless we recognize them and take steps to change our habits.  For me, it seems that I keep picking the same man over and over.  I find the broken man in hopes of fixing him and making him happy.

One thing the book has taught me thus far is that I have to love me and feel confident in my choices before moving to the next man (or mistake).  I have discovered so many strengths I never knew I had.

I am more than capable of making decisions for myself.
I am a loving, giving person.
I am smart.
I am beautiful.
I am caring.
I have achievable goals.
I can take care of me.
My life is complete (without a man).

There is so much more I've learned about myself, but I won't bore everyone with the details.  Well, there is one more thing.  I am ridiculously happy.  My life is good.  I have some of the most wonderful friends in the universe.  My family is fantastic.  I am surrounded by love and support.  The book has really opened my eyes to the blessings (good things) in my life.  When I was with the ex-fiance, I didn't notice.  I was working so hard to be what he wanted me to be that I didn't see there were those who loved me as I was.  

Learning to be true to me and my beliefs has been a difficult lesson, but so worth the time and effort.  I can honestly say, I love me and I love my life. 

Random Thought Moment

I wonder if the ex-fiance is going to become poly.  It would be the intelligent choice for him.  He likes having multiple women at his beck and call.  He likes that new relationship smell.  Maybe not though...he could just be a player...playing on the affections of several women and serious about none...too much in love with himself to give himself to just one.  Hmmmm....it's a thought.

Since he is never going to speak to me again, I guess I will never know.

How I feel...

How do I feel? 

I feel sad, hurt, lost, rejected, dejected, like a burden on my friends, like the world wouldn’t notice if I were gone.  I feel scared.  I feel broken.  At this moment, I am on the crest of a tsunami that is going to destroy everything in its path when it crashes onto shore. 

All I want to do is cry and bury my head in the covers. 

This morning I had a psycho moment.  Actually, I have had a few psycho moments the past two days.  I was doing so well and then BOOM!  I hit bottom…again.

Will this pain ever stop? 

I want my life back.  I want my brain back.  I want the sadness to go away.

I want to move on and be healthy. 

Can anyone out there hear me?

Sleep…eludes me.  So tired.  

Rant

Are you happy now?

You couldn’t wait to start your new life so you shoved me out the door.  Before I could get down the street were you already calling her?  Was she worth it?  Does she make you happy?  Does she make you laugh?  Does she comfort you when you’re in pain?  Does she love you like I did?  Did the two of you laugh at the pathetic sight I made?  Did you laugh at the old, fat lady as she cried uncontrollably for the loss of her love?  Are you happy now?  Are all your dreams fulfilled?  Were you glad to see the last of my things leave your house?  Are you happy now?  Is the single life everything you had hoped?  Is the better woman better?  Does it please you that I cried so many tears?  Are you happy that I wanted to commit myself out of fear of hurting myself?  Are you pleased that I left you alone?  Is it easier for you now?  Is freedom from me all that you hoped? 

Are you happy now?