How am I doing...

It's been a while since I blogged.  Life has been so busy and crazy at times.  I have almost completed studies for my Masters.  In July, my first grandchild was born.  Last summer, I no longer called my best friend friend.  One constant in life is change.

In 6 weeks, I will have my Masters degree in Accounting.  It has been a long hard journey, but I honestly believe it will be worth it.  I can already see a brighter future ahead. 

The past few months have found me struggling with the decision to stay in Colorado or move back to Alabama.  In my heart, I truly want to stay in Colorado.  The culture and lifestyles here suit me.  When I think about moving to Alabama, I just cringe because I feel I will be taking a step back instead of moving forward. 

One question on everyone's lips lately is "Have you started dating?"  The answer is a firm "No".  I have such high standards now that I don't think anyone will ever measure up.  Also, I have not learned to trust...anyone.  As I have said all along, it's going to take an exceptional man to win my heart. 

It's taken a long time, but I am happy and content with my life as a single woman.  My confidence grows each day.  No longer do I need confirmation from a man that I am attractive and desirable.  I honestly don't care.   Many people would say those are the words of a woman who doesn't care about her looks.  Not true.  I care about how I look.  I just no longer dress or style myself to suit someone else.  I dress to make me happy.  Of course, I would love to lose more weight.  It will happen.  I will make it so...for my own reasons. 

Underlying everything I've said, is a great deal of anger still.  Most of my anger comes from the ex-boyfriend's betrayal, lies, and infidelity.  I never loved anyone like I loved him and I worked so hard at making him happy.  It angers me that he was such a slimy character.  Fortunately, anger can be used as a catalyst for change.  I am one strong, independent woman who knows that she can make it without the need of a partner.  That is the best revenge...living happy, living well, and loving the life you have built. 

Bad days and good days...

After a year, I thought I had gotten past the anger, hurt, and sadness. Unfortunately, when you aren't looking, the old feelings rear their ugly heads and depression is off like a freight train plowing through all the good. Fortunately, sanity pulls you back, or in my case, sheer stubborn force of will. He's taken 4 1/2 years of my life. I am not giving him anymore.

One thing the books and doctors have taught me is there will be setbacks. When it happens, you have to square your shoulders and push through the rough spots.

So many times in the past weeks, I wanted...no needed to talk to him, but I didn't. I held strong. I knew in my heart and head I was only going to get more lies. Nothing good would have happened.

It's times like this I congratulate myself on a victory. No one needs a toxic relationship and that man is highly toxic. It's good to be me once again...positive, energetic, and outgoing! Funny, I used to think stubborn was bad...my mom was so wrong.

A House of Cards

Most of the time, I am able to project a positive, happy outlook.  Sometimes, it's a struggle just to hold myself together.  This weekend, I spent the time hiding from the world.  I just couldn't face life outside my cave.  What brought this on?  I saw pictures of the ex and his new squeeze.  He actually hugged her to him.  I was the one always hugging him.  I am so hurt and angry at how he treated me.  When I look at them together, I realize how much of a lie I was living.  I have a hard time believing he ever really loved me.  He only kept me around out of fear of being alone.  I never meant anything to him. 

I realize this blog sounds like a pity party.  Forgive me, but I have nowhere else to turn.  I remember in December 2010, I received a message from a woman on FB looking for him.  Her profile showed that she was a stewardess for a local airline.  I don't believe that the woman he is with now and the woman on FB are the same.  However, I do believe someone was trying to tell me that he was a liar.  He swore that night that there was no other woman.  A lie.  Later, I found where he had been on a singles site for the entire 4 1/2 years we'd been together.  People had left him messages saying they were sorry that he couldn't make it to the previous meetup.  But, they looked forward to seeing him again.  In the meantime, he's telling me that he thinks he may be gay.  Now that, I did not believe for a second. 

So, what about the new woman?  My friends had been telling me how plain she was and how she lacked any sort of personality.  They had the plain right.  I have enough of an ego to know that I am a beautiful woman.  I never would have considered her a threat because she isn't even pretty.  My first thought is that she must have money because unfortunately, I lack money.  After 4 years without a job, I am sure that he needs a woman with some sort of job security.  I am a lowly student working to get a masters degree to improve my lot in the world.  Also, she looks much younger than me.  He had always dated older women.  I guess he wanted something different this time.  My friends are always telling me that they don't see it.  It's like tossing a movie star away for the frumpy librarian.  Meh! 

The truly funny part of all of this is that at the moment the only two men pursuing me are MUCH younger than I am.  One is 10 years younger and the other 16.  Unfortunately, I have no interest in them or any other man, but I am flattered they find me attractive.  After a year, I am honest enough with myself to know that I don't trust men at all.  Whenever I'm talking to a man, in the back of my mind I'm thinking what is wrong with him that he'd want to date me.  Never mind that I am a truly caring, honest, loving woman, but because of him, all men are scum with no redeeming qualities and are to be treated as such.  Don't worry, I've made an appointment with my therapist to discuss this issue because this is an issue that I can't fix alone.  Of course, if I were willing to date, I would probably learn different, but I am to terrified of being hurt again that I don't want to find out. 

I never want to go through that pain again.  Truthfully, I don't think I would survive.  The last one had me to the point that people were threatening to force feed me.  I was so depressed I didn't care if I lived or died.  It's against my religion to commit suicide, but I had the strength to die of starvation. 

So to keep everyone from worrying, I talk about all the positive things in my life.  There are positives to being single.

1.  No drama
2.  No lies
3.  I don't have to share
4.  I can do what I want, when I want without belittling, degradation, disapproval, etc.
5.  I get all the unconditional love I need from my dog.
6.  I can do things with my friends without worrying about who he's talking to while I'm gone.
7.  No strange women are showing up at my door leaving stuffed animals and letters.
8.  The best part is that I don't have to share my popcorn and coke at the movies.  :)

There are more positives.  And most days I am a very positive upbeat person.  It's just some days the mask cracks, but I do a good job of hiding the cracks. 

I will finish by saying that I am resigned to living out the remainder of my days alone because I never want to allow someone to hurt me that way again.  Unless the therapist has a miracle up her sleeve, then single I will be. 

Closure...

I have always thought that all the hype about closure was baloney. However, with each passing day, I think of him and want answers. Is that what closure is all about? Honestly though, I don't believe I would get an honest answer. After all, he's a compulsive liar. I don't believe he's become an honest man in my absence.

I Wish...

I wish a man looked at me that way...adoringly.

It was just another day...

For some reason I expected today to be sad.  I expected to be sad, but I wasn't.  It was just another day.  At work, I was exceptionally busy.  When I got home, I did the usual routine of walking my dog and then cooking dinner.  Dobby and I played for a while and I laughed. 

I laugh and joke a lot these days.  Mostly I tease my co-workers or friends.  It feels good.  I guess I really have moved on.  Sometimes, I surprise even me. 

One year and counting...

Tomorrow will be one year since the breakup heard round the world.  Or so it seems to me...I am still bothered by the fact that someone could be as diabolical as he was and not take responsibility for his actions.  Even until the moment I walked out the door, he swore that there wan no one else, that he hadn't cheated, and that he just fell out of love.  Lies, lies, lies...At this point, I don't believe he was ever in love with me because that would require and unselfish act and he is NOT an unselfish person.  The only person he ever loved was himself.  Strange since he had a love/hate relationship with himself.  I guess he loved himself more.

Honestly, I hate being so bitter.  Everything I have read says that in order to move on, I have to forgive him.  Unfortunately, I don't have it in me to forgive him.  When I think of forgiveness, I think it's saying "Whatever you did to me is okay.  I am going to let everything go and we are okay."  Not going to happen!

True forgiveness is saying that in spite of all the horrible things you did, I forgive you.  We may not be friends or even acquaintances, but I am letting go of the pain and the unanswered questions and moving on with my life without thought of you and what you did. Unfortunately, it's his actions that dictate my reactions today.

When I look in the mirror, part of me knows that I am a good-looking woman who's curvy and vivacious.  If I look at me through his eyes, I see a completely different picture.  I see an old, fat, dumpy woman who was too stupid to get out of a bad relationship.  I'm totally screwed up because of him.

I try very hard to be upbeat and positive.  It's the image I project of myself.  How long can I keep up the facade?  It's like having a split personality.  I have to get him out of my head completely in order to heal completely.  I just keep hearing "Are you wearing that?" "That outfit makes you look old and dumpy."  "Don't you have anything sexy?"  "If you lose weight, I will buy you a whole new wardrobe."  "You would be hot if you lost weight."  "You're not smart enough for me."  "I need someone highly intellectual in my life."  "The affair was a year ago.  Isn't it time you trust me?" "I need to be a different persona when I am at a party so that I can make the unattractive women feel good about themselves...make them think they are attractive."  "When I make out with other women, I'm not saying I don't love you."  "Unattractive women expect me to flirt with them because after all, they are unattractive and no one else will."

Forgiveness is definitely out of the question.

If forgiveness were saying "What you did to me was horrible.  However, in spite of your stupidity, conniving, cruelty, and selfishness, I am much better off without you and have been a much happier, confident person since leaving you," then I am good with forgiveness.  "The amount my life has improved since leaving you is exponential to the hurt you caused.  I have more true friends.  I have unconditional love.  I have the confidence to meet new people.  I am even secure enough with myself that doing things alone are actually fun.  Without you, I am a better person and human."  Now, that kind of forgiveness, I can do.

Anyway, I have met a nice man.  He is moving slowly and that is okay with me.  We have a lot of the same interests and he has an awesome sense of humor.  On top of it all, he's a Bronco's fan.  WIN!  I know that whether I forgive the ex or not, I will be okay and I am moving on.  Just don't expect me to say that what he did to me was okay.  

How to be self-confident...

One thing I have always lacked is self-confidence.  When it comes to math or accounting, I have self-confidence because I've proven to myself that I know how to do these things.  However, when it comes to being comfortable in my own skin, I have very little confidence.

Last night, I downloaded a book on self-confidence.  Most of the steps are common sense like get a new hairdo, try new clothing style, get your nails done, hang out with confident people, etc.  All of those ideas are good, but only temporary.  One bad hair day and your confidence is wrecked.

I believe to boost my self-confidence, I need to exercise and lose more weight.  Unfortunately, I just don't have the desire to lift my butt off the sofa and go do it.  Where do I find that strength to pick myself up and just do it?

When I was 22 and a size 8, I didn't have self-confidence.  On the inside, I was still me.  I was the fat girl everyone made fun of in high school...I was Two-Ton Buns.  My senior year of high school I lost 60 pounds, but still lacked confidence around the opposite sex.  I married the first man that told me I was beautiful.  Big mistake!  That's another story.

According to the new book, in order to gain self-confidence, I have to write positive affirmations every day.  The theory is that if you repeat them enough, you will begin to believe them.  Affirmations work well when you are in the privacy and comfort of your apartment, but what about when the boss is asking why you haven't finished a project?  When work is so overwhelming that you don't know where to start?  All the self-confidence in the world cannot get the boss to hire a new person to help with some of the load.  I don't even have the time to figure out where I need help.

What to do?  Is self-confidence a cure-all or an illusion?  If I had self-confidence, would my life suddenly, miraculously change for the better?  It's worth a try.  Especially, when there is no where to go but up.

Moving on...

Life has a way of carrying us forward.  A few weeks ago, I moved into an apartment.  It's small by most standards (especially when you don't have enough closet space), but for me and my puppy, it's fine.  Every morning we go for a walk.  The complex is landscaped and the grounds are beautiful.  My puppy loves the abundance of rabbits, birds, and squirrels...who seem to torment him when we go for our walks.  He keeps me moving. 

I realize now that if I am going to be happy here, I am going to have to make friends.  The first order of business is to start smiling again.  In most of the pictures taken of me recently, I'm not smiling.  I'm not frowning, but I am certainly not smiling.  What happened to that easy smile I had a few years ago?  How do you get your smile back?  I'm not talking about the one you reserve for friends, family, and loved ones.  I'm talking about the one that says "Hello!  I am a happy person who loves people.  I want to meet you because I feel you're special!"  Maybe that's overkill, but its the smile when we show the world we are open to life, love, happiness, and (dare I say it?) trust.   AHA!  That's what it is!  I've lost my trust. 

When meeting new people, you have to have just the smallest amount of trust because you are sharing your name and a small piece of yourself.   Today, I still wonder if I am ever going to get the piece of myself back that I left behind.  There's definitely an emptiness in my chest now where my heart used to be...

So, how do you rebuild trust, not only in others, but in yourself?  Baby steps.  It starts with a smile.  A smile says you are opening yourself up to learn about others.  It shows interest in other members of the human race.  It's the simplest communication device we have available. 

I get by with a little help from my friends...

After the breakup, I moved in with my best friend and her family.  I will treasure this time always.  She and her husband allowed me the time I needed to heal both mentally and financially.  When I came to them I was a wreck.  I was suffering from the worst case of depression I had ever experienced.  There were days I went without eating because I simply could no swallow.  I lost 40 pounds in about a month.  With their love and kindness, I've come back to life. 

While in the relationship, my self-esteem hit rock-bottom.  I hated how I looked because I wasn't measuring up to his expectations.  At one point, I blamed myself for everything.  That's exactly what he wanted. 

Now, when I look in the mirror, I see a happy, confidant, beautiful woman.  I love the woman I see peering back at me.  I know what she went through and how she fought to regain her life when all she wanted to do was lay down and vanish into the earth.  She didn't.  I didn't. 

My best friend admitted to me that there were times when she wondered if I was going to make it back.  She was scared I would do something crazy.  I thought about it, but I couldn't.  One thing I've been taught all my life is that life is precious.  I just had to get my fight back.

Strangely, I have a glow to me now.  I smile.  I laugh.  I play pranks.  I have more friends than I ever thought possible especially since I tend to be a loner.  I am more of an extrovert, but I am still not as social as I'd like to be.  There are still situations that intimidate me.  I'm getting stronger and better able to face those situations.    I am certainly not a doormat anymore.  I value me. 

The one thing I wasn't taught growing up in the South was that I have value as a single person.  Growing up, I heard graduate from school, get a good job, find a husband, raise a family, and grow old.  As a single woman, I had no worth.  That's so wrong! 

I am more valuable to myself, my friends, and my family now.  I have fought demons and won.  I have wisdom.  When my daughter, step-daughter, mother, friends, co-workers, etc., look at me, they see me...a strong, loving, kind, beautiful, vital, productive, intelligent woman striving to make a name for herself.  I am woman!  Hear me roar! 

Getting Past Your Breakup by Susan J. Elliott

Over a month ago, I purchased the book Getting Past Your Breakup.  The book is a step by step guide to turning a break up into a time for  self-discovery.  Many of us are doomed to continue repeating past mistakes unless we recognize them and take steps to change our habits.  For me, it seems that I keep picking the same man over and over.  I find the broken man in hopes of fixing him and making him happy.

One thing the book has taught me thus far is that I have to love me and feel confident in my choices before moving to the next man (or mistake).  I have discovered so many strengths I never knew I had.

I am more than capable of making decisions for myself.
I am a loving, giving person.
I am smart.
I am beautiful.
I am caring.
I have achievable goals.
I can take care of me.
My life is complete (without a man).

There is so much more I've learned about myself, but I won't bore everyone with the details.  Well, there is one more thing.  I am ridiculously happy.  My life is good.  I have some of the most wonderful friends in the universe.  My family is fantastic.  I am surrounded by love and support.  The book has really opened my eyes to the blessings (good things) in my life.  When I was with the ex-fiance, I didn't notice.  I was working so hard to be what he wanted me to be that I didn't see there were those who loved me as I was.  

Learning to be true to me and my beliefs has been a difficult lesson, but so worth the time and effort.  I can honestly say, I love me and I love my life. 

Random Thought Moment

I wonder if the ex-fiance is going to become poly.  It would be the intelligent choice for him.  He likes having multiple women at his beck and call.  He likes that new relationship smell.  Maybe not though...he could just be a player...playing on the affections of several women and serious about none...too much in love with himself to give himself to just one.  Hmmmm....it's a thought.

Since he is never going to speak to me again, I guess I will never know.

How I feel...

How do I feel? 

I feel sad, hurt, lost, rejected, dejected, like a burden on my friends, like the world wouldn’t notice if I were gone.  I feel scared.  I feel broken.  At this moment, I am on the crest of a tsunami that is going to destroy everything in its path when it crashes onto shore. 

All I want to do is cry and bury my head in the covers. 

This morning I had a psycho moment.  Actually, I have had a few psycho moments the past two days.  I was doing so well and then BOOM!  I hit bottom…again.

Will this pain ever stop? 

I want my life back.  I want my brain back.  I want the sadness to go away.

I want to move on and be healthy. 

Can anyone out there hear me?

Sleep…eludes me.  So tired.  

Rant

Are you happy now?

You couldn’t wait to start your new life so you shoved me out the door.  Before I could get down the street were you already calling her?  Was she worth it?  Does she make you happy?  Does she make you laugh?  Does she comfort you when you’re in pain?  Does she love you like I did?  Did the two of you laugh at the pathetic sight I made?  Did you laugh at the old, fat lady as she cried uncontrollably for the loss of her love?  Are you happy now?  Are all your dreams fulfilled?  Were you glad to see the last of my things leave your house?  Are you happy now?  Is the single life everything you had hoped?  Is the better woman better?  Does it please you that I cried so many tears?  Are you happy that I wanted to commit myself out of fear of hurting myself?  Are you pleased that I left you alone?  Is it easier for you now?  Is freedom from me all that you hoped? 

Are you happy now?

Adaptation

This weekend I spent some time reading my Rebuilding book.  The book has steps that you must go through before beginning a new relationship.  It is mainly to help a person rebuild their self image.  I have a poor self image at the moment and can use any help I can get. 

In the adaptive stage of the book, you are made to address the adaptive behaviors you use to cope in a relationship.  It seems that I am an over-responsible person who feels comfortable with under-responsible people.  In relationships, all of us seek out the person who we believe will balance us.  My balance is an under-responsible person. 

How did the adaptive behavior begin?  For me, the adaptive behavior was developed in childhood.  I so wanted my mother to love me.  The only time I felt she loved me was when I brought home high marks in school.  I worked hard in school to be the best. 

In school, I was overweight from the 8^th grade until the 11^th.  The kids used to call me 2-Ton Buns.  I hated that name and tried very hard to ignore them.  However, when they picked on smaller kids less able to defend themselves, I was right there defending the weak.  This is how I made friends in school.  I became responsible for the weaker making me an over-responsible personality. 

I also realize that when I am overweight I have very low self-esteem.  Whenever the ex would tell me something didn’t look good on me, it would go to the core of my insecurities.  Did he know this?  I don’t know, but I do know it made me very insecure.  Unfortunately, my insecurities became my downfall. 

The book made me realize that I work my butt off to make people love me.  Unfortunately, it doesn’t work.  So now I am going to work my butt off to love myself.   I am losing weight and working out not for him, but for me.  I want to look in the mirror and be proud of all I’ve accomplished and love the reflection looking back at me.

I don’t know if I will ever believe a man again though when he says he loves me.  I believed the ex, but he lied to me from the beginning and continued lying until the very end.  How do you learn to trust and believe again?  I suppose I will cross that bridge when I get to it (in a couple of years).  It really does hurt to be dumped.  The rejection and pain are incredible. 

Letting go...

To My Ex

First, let me start by saying you were right.  You were right when you said a relationship shouldn’t be so much work.  I realize now that I was being manipulative and controlling while trying to mold you into the man I wanted and needed.  It wasn’t who you were or wanted to be.  For that, I am very sorry. 

Whenever you lied to me, I should have moved on.  I didn’t because I saw vulnerability in you that I wanted to protect and fix.  You didn’t want to be fixed.  You wanted to fix me.  Neither one of us was willing to give up our ideals or needs for the other.  For me, I didn’t want to let go of my morals or ideals.  I feel you didn’t want to give up your need for female adoration.  It was your way of feeling like a man when in my eyes you were a man.  You just didn’t see it. 

During my session yesterday, I realized that my trust issues weren’t with you.  They were with me.  Every time I felt you were lying to me, I made excuses and ignored that little voice that was saying run.  You never really earned my trust because our relationship was built on lies.  A relationship built on a lie no matter how honorable is doomed.  If you can’t trust someone to be honest from the beginning, how do you trust them until the end?  I know you tried very hard to earn my trust after the affair, but you just couldn’t fight who you were.  You need the adulation and adoration or possibly the pity of other women.  I understand your belief that if you aren’t sleeping with them, you aren’t cheating.  To me, you are cheating.  Each time you talk to them, you give them a piece of your heart that should have been meant for me.  You invest in them emotionally and take that emotion from me.  I can’t compete with 20 women.  I shouldn’t have to compete.  I won’t compete.  I realize that instead of trying to manipulate you, I should have said either they go or I go.  The choice was mine to stay or go.  I should have gone.  We never should have tried.  It was my mistake for thinking I could fix a broken man who liked being broken.

I know I sound harsh and I don’t mean to be.  I am just being honest with myself. 

For the next year, I am going to stay single.  I am afraid that any relationship I begin now would be a rebound relationship and would wind up hurting both of us.  I can’t knowingly hurt someone, so I just won’t look.  It’s ME time.  I want to live single and learn to love me single. I want to be healthy (mentally and physically) and happy. 

Since the break up, I’ve learned so much about myself.  1.  I am a loving, kind person.  2. I am a lovable person.  3.  I am capable of trust.  4. I am capable of being a friend.  5.  I have many friends who love me. 6. I have a lot to offer the right person.  7.  I am strong.  8.  I am smart.  9.  I don’t need a man to feel good about myself.  10.  I am happy with myself.

I hope you continue to work on yourself and fix what is broken, if that is what you want.  I loved you with all my heart and will never stop loving you.  We had some wonderful, happy times together and I will treasure those memories.  Take care.

Love Always,

Me

Why?

Why do I feel so empty and hopeless?  I've decided to go skydiving on September 17.  My first thought was "maybe I'll get lucky and the parachute won't open" except there will be someone with me.  I just can't figure out what will make me happy and make me forget him.  He's moved on...why can't I?  He doesn't love me anymore.  Why can't I stop loving him, needing him, wanting him?  Why?  It's just not fair!

I feel...

My first Rebuilding homework assignment is to keep a journal and write “I feel ___”.   Here I go:

I feel…

Angry, hurt, betrayed, lost, unloved, unwanted, undesirable, rejected, empty, worthless, fat, ugly, stupid, gullible, tired, hopeless, drained, dejected, overwhelmed

I feel pain.

I feel like…

A loser, a failure, an empty shell, like I could disappear and it wouldn’t matter.

I feel dead.

I have to let go and move on...

Once again…the rollercoaster ride from hell.  I have really got to move on and get this behind me.  If I don’t, I’m afraid I will go insane.  Christians say that the Lord never gives us more than we can handle, but I think the Lord is giving me too much credit.  I am handling this breakup rather poorly.  I can’t wait for an excuse to email or text because I so want to hear him say “I made a terrible mistake.”  Unfortunately, he would never admit it. 

I honestly don’t think I would be here if it weren’t for the support of my friends.  One thing this situation has shown me is that I have more friends than I ever knew.  My ex on the other hand, has his mother: A psycho, oedipal, worn-out, list making crone who wants only for her crippled son to depend on her for his every need; that I also suspect of bribing her son to dump me.  (I present a new computer and appliances as evidence of this statement) She is too mean and set in her ways to ever get a man of her own so she uses her son as a substitute.  ICK! Fortunately, I am surrounded by people whose only concern is my happiness and not their own.  (Well, my best friend does like having another female in the house to balance out all the testosterone)

Anyway, it is IMPERATIVE that I move on.  At one point, I had hoped he and I could be friends (another effort at showing him that I could be what he needed).  However, friendship with him is not an option.  How can you go from being the love of someone’s life to being a casual friend?  Honestly, every time I knew he was blowing me off for another woman would be devastating.  I couldn’t handle it.  If he wants to move on, he will have to do it without me.  I am moving in a direction away from him and towards a happier future with someone else…ME!  Now…if I could only practice what I preach.

Why

Why do I feel that I need a man to validate me?  Is it because southern women are raised to believe their place is in the home, barefoot and pregnant?  Is it because the church tells us that we are not viable human beings unless we marry a man and have children?  I am having the hardest time trying to find value in myself as a single person.  At a time when I should be selfish and work on myself, I just can't figure out how to do it. 

In the whole of my life, I've only been alone for a year.  It was the most excruciating miserable year of my life.  Here I am, back in the single life.  Why can't I stand to be alone with myself?  How do I find that place where I find my own company satisfying?  How do I learn to stop and listen to that inner voice?  Am I just wired wrong?  Is there something horribly wrong with me?

One experiment that I would like to try is to go to the movies alone.  Last night, there was a lone woman in the theater.  My first reaction was "poor thing" she's all alone.  Then, I realized what a brave person she was for doing what she wanted.