Sunday, August 19, 2012

A House of Cards

Most of the time, I am able to project a positive, happy outlook.  Sometimes, it's a struggle just to hold myself together.  This weekend, I spent the time hiding from the world.  I just couldn't face life outside my cave.  What brought this on?  I saw pictures of the ex and his new squeeze.  He actually hugged her to him.  I was the one always hugging him.  I am so hurt and angry at how he treated me.  When I look at them together, I realize how much of a lie I was living.  I have a hard time believing he ever really loved me.  He only kept me around out of fear of being alone.  I never meant anything to him. 

I realize this blog sounds like a pity party.  Forgive me, but I have nowhere else to turn.  I remember in December 2010, I received a message from a woman on FB looking for him.  Her profile showed that she was a stewardess for a local airline.  I don't believe that the woman he is with now and the woman on FB are the same.  However, I do believe someone was trying to tell me that he was a liar.  He swore that night that there was no other woman.  A lie.  Later, I found where he had been on a singles site for the entire 4 1/2 years we'd been together.  People had left him messages saying they were sorry that he couldn't make it to the previous meetup.  But, they looked forward to seeing him again.  In the meantime, he's telling me that he thinks he may be gay.  Now that, I did not believe for a second. 

So, what about the new woman?  My friends had been telling me how plain she was and how she lacked any sort of personality.  They had the plain right.  I have enough of an ego to know that I am a beautiful woman.  I never would have considered her a threat because she isn't even pretty.  My first thought is that she must have money because unfortunately, I lack money.  After 4 years without a job, I am sure that he needs a woman with some sort of job security.  I am a lowly student working to get a masters degree to improve my lot in the world.  Also, she looks much younger than me.  He had always dated older women.  I guess he wanted something different this time.  My friends are always telling me that they don't see it.  It's like tossing a movie star away for the frumpy librarian.  Meh! 

The truly funny part of all of this is that at the moment the only two men pursuing me are MUCH younger than I am.  One is 10 years younger and the other 16.  Unfortunately, I have no interest in them or any other man, but I am flattered they find me attractive.  After a year, I am honest enough with myself to know that I don't trust men at all.  Whenever I'm talking to a man, in the back of my mind I'm thinking what is wrong with him that he'd want to date me.  Never mind that I am a truly caring, honest, loving woman, but because of him, all men are scum with no redeeming qualities and are to be treated as such.  Don't worry, I've made an appointment with my therapist to discuss this issue because this is an issue that I can't fix alone.  Of course, if I were willing to date, I would probably learn different, but I am to terrified of being hurt again that I don't want to find out. 

I never want to go through that pain again.  Truthfully, I don't think I would survive.  The last one had me to the point that people were threatening to force feed me.  I was so depressed I didn't care if I lived or died.  It's against my religion to commit suicide, but I had the strength to die of starvation. 

So to keep everyone from worrying, I talk about all the positive things in my life.  There are positives to being single.

1.  No drama
2.  No lies
3.  I don't have to share
4.  I can do what I want, when I want without belittling, degradation, disapproval, etc.
5.  I get all the unconditional love I need from my dog.
6.  I can do things with my friends without worrying about who he's talking to while I'm gone.
7.  No strange women are showing up at my door leaving stuffed animals and letters.
8.  The best part is that I don't have to share my popcorn and coke at the movies.  :)

There are more positives.  And most days I am a very positive upbeat person.  It's just some days the mask cracks, but I do a good job of hiding the cracks. 

I will finish by saying that I am resigned to living out the remainder of my days alone because I never want to allow someone to hurt me that way again.  Unless the therapist has a miracle up her sleeve, then single I will be. 

Sunday, August 12, 2012


I have always thought that all the hype about closure was baloney. However, with each passing day, I think of him and want answers. Is that what closure is all about? Honestly though, I don't believe I would get an honest answer. After all, he's a compulsive liar. I don't believe he's become an honest man in my absence.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012