One year and counting...

Tomorrow will be one year since the breakup heard round the world.  Or so it seems to me...I am still bothered by the fact that someone could be as diabolical as he was and not take responsibility for his actions.  Even until the moment I walked out the door, he swore that there wan no one else, that he hadn't cheated, and that he just fell out of love.  Lies, lies, lies...At this point, I don't believe he was ever in love with me because that would require and unselfish act and he is NOT an unselfish person.  The only person he ever loved was himself.  Strange since he had a love/hate relationship with himself.  I guess he loved himself more.

Honestly, I hate being so bitter.  Everything I have read says that in order to move on, I have to forgive him.  Unfortunately, I don't have it in me to forgive him.  When I think of forgiveness, I think it's saying "Whatever you did to me is okay.  I am going to let everything go and we are okay."  Not going to happen!

True forgiveness is saying that in spite of all the horrible things you did, I forgive you.  We may not be friends or even acquaintances, but I am letting go of the pain and the unanswered questions and moving on with my life without thought of you and what you did. Unfortunately, it's his actions that dictate my reactions today.

When I look in the mirror, part of me knows that I am a good-looking woman who's curvy and vivacious.  If I look at me through his eyes, I see a completely different picture.  I see an old, fat, dumpy woman who was too stupid to get out of a bad relationship.  I'm totally screwed up because of him.

I try very hard to be upbeat and positive.  It's the image I project of myself.  How long can I keep up the facade?  It's like having a split personality.  I have to get him out of my head completely in order to heal completely.  I just keep hearing "Are you wearing that?" "That outfit makes you look old and dumpy."  "Don't you have anything sexy?"  "If you lose weight, I will buy you a whole new wardrobe."  "You would be hot if you lost weight."  "You're not smart enough for me."  "I need someone highly intellectual in my life."  "The affair was a year ago.  Isn't it time you trust me?" "I need to be a different persona when I am at a party so that I can make the unattractive women feel good about themselves...make them think they are attractive."  "When I make out with other women, I'm not saying I don't love you."  "Unattractive women expect me to flirt with them because after all, they are unattractive and no one else will."

Forgiveness is definitely out of the question.

If forgiveness were saying "What you did to me was horrible.  However, in spite of your stupidity, conniving, cruelty, and selfishness, I am much better off without you and have been a much happier, confident person since leaving you," then I am good with forgiveness.  "The amount my life has improved since leaving you is exponential to the hurt you caused.  I have more true friends.  I have unconditional love.  I have the confidence to meet new people.  I am even secure enough with myself that doing things alone are actually fun.  Without you, I am a better person and human."  Now, that kind of forgiveness, I can do.

Anyway, I have met a nice man.  He is moving slowly and that is okay with me.  We have a lot of the same interests and he has an awesome sense of humor.  On top of it all, he's a Bronco's fan.  WIN!  I know that whether I forgive the ex or not, I will be okay and I am moving on.  Just don't expect me to say that what he did to me was okay.