Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Brokenhearted fool

A week and a half ago, my fiance of four years decides that he is not longer in love with me and I have to go.  It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.  I still loved him though I was crushed.  How do you just walk away from four years of your life? 

I tried talking, but to no avail.  He wouldn't hear it.  His mind was made up. 

I even tried begging, but it only angered him. 

So here I am at my best friends house living the life of a gypsy out of boxes and suitcases. 

What am I going to do with my life now?  I thought I had it all figured out.  I was getting married on October 1, 2011 and magically the rest of our life was going to be perfect.  That isn't going to happen.

Currently, I am going to counseling about every 3 weeks though I have to admit that I talk to my counselor via email more frequently.  It seems I want to rush through the healing process.  Unfortunately, my heart isn't cooperating. 

The first thing my counselor told me was no contact with the ex.  I have to admit, this has been the toughest part for me.  The one thing the ex and I could do was converse.  Most evenings I would call on my way home from work.  We would talk the fifteen minutes or so it took me to get home.  After arriving home, we would talk the rest of the night depending on whether or not he had his daughter.  Admittedly, I missed talking when his daughter was there.  This fact was the source of many arguments that led to the demise of our relationship.  I just wanted him to come to bed at a decent time so that we could have our couple time too.  It just never seemed to sink in.

So, after many unsuccessful attempts to converse with the ex in the past week, I've come to the conclusion the medical professionals know what they are talking about.  I have been so angry when talking to the ex that I could easily remove his manhood with my bare hands.  No, I haven't done it...yet.

The next thing the counselor told me was to do one thing a day that makes me happy.  She looked directly at me and asked, "What makes you happy?"  I had no answer.  There are many things I enjoy doing like crocheting, reading, walking, talking, etc., but none of them make me "happy".  What is happy? 

With a completely blank expression on my face, I said that I loved crocheting.  She kept asking if there was anything else.  After graduating from college, I thought I had taken all of the toughest tests there were.  None of those tests had prepared me for the toughest question of my life.  What makes me happy?

My assignment for the next appointment is to find what makes me happy.  I've asked friends and co-workers but all the answers are on the same level...A nice cold beer, a good wine, a good book, etc.  Still, those are activities I enjoy doing, but they don't bring me overwhelming happiness. 

I remember as a kid the times when my parents would take us on a picnic next to Horse Creek.  We would take turns swinging out into the creek on an old rope before splashing in  the middle.  Now, that made me happy.  Taking long walks with my Dad while he told us what life was like when he was a kid made for some happy memories. 

Now, what will make ME happy? 

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