Thursday, August 18, 2011

Letting go...

To My Ex

First, let me start by saying you were right.  You were right when you said a relationship shouldn’t be so much work.  I realize now that I was being manipulative and controlling while trying to mold you into the man I wanted and needed.  It wasn’t who you were or wanted to be.  For that, I am very sorry. 

Whenever you lied to me, I should have moved on.  I didn’t because I saw vulnerability in you that I wanted to protect and fix.  You didn’t want to be fixed.  You wanted to fix me.  Neither one of us was willing to give up our ideals or needs for the other.  For me, I didn’t want to let go of my morals or ideals.  I feel you didn’t want to give up your need for female adoration.  It was your way of feeling like a man when in my eyes you were a man.  You just didn’t see it. 

During my session yesterday, I realized that my trust issues weren’t with you.  They were with me.  Every time I felt you were lying to me, I made excuses and ignored that little voice that was saying run.  You never really earned my trust because our relationship was built on lies.  A relationship built on a lie no matter how honorable is doomed.  If you can’t trust someone to be honest from the beginning, how do you trust them until the end?  I know you tried very hard to earn my trust after the affair, but you just couldn’t fight who you were.  You need the adulation and adoration or possibly the pity of other women.  I understand your belief that if you aren’t sleeping with them, you aren’t cheating.  To me, you are cheating.  Each time you talk to them, you give them a piece of your heart that should have been meant for me.  You invest in them emotionally and take that emotion from me.  I can’t compete with 20 women.  I shouldn’t have to compete.  I won’t compete.  I realize that instead of trying to manipulate you, I should have said either they go or I go.  The choice was mine to stay or go.  I should have gone.  We never should have tried.  It was my mistake for thinking I could fix a broken man who liked being broken.

I know I sound harsh and I don’t mean to be.  I am just being honest with myself. 

For the next year, I am going to stay single.  I am afraid that any relationship I begin now would be a rebound relationship and would wind up hurting both of us.  I can’t knowingly hurt someone, so I just won’t look.  It’s ME time.  I want to live single and learn to love me single. I want to be healthy (mentally and physically) and happy. 

Since the break up, I’ve learned so much about myself.  1.  I am a loving, kind person.  2. I am a lovable person.  3.  I am capable of trust.  4. I am capable of being a friend.  5.  I have many friends who love me. 6. I have a lot to offer the right person.  7.  I am strong.  8.  I am smart.  9.  I don’t need a man to feel good about myself.  10.  I am happy with myself.

I hope you continue to work on yourself and fix what is broken, if that is what you want.  I loved you with all my heart and will never stop loving you.  We had some wonderful, happy times together and I will treasure those memories.  Take care.

Love Always,

Me

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